Emotional Regulation

Listen to Reason or Emotion? This question has been debated for centuries in the quest to understand the key to human conflicts, nevertheless, the answer is nothing more than overcoming this polarisation: reason and emotion must work together.

It's common to hear that people have become emotionally out of control, that they've made too much of a drama or given in to violent impulses without rationality, just as, although less frequently, we also hear that some people may be being too ‘cold’ and not considering what they're really feeling and what is most meaningful to them. But what does it mean to control your emotions but listen to them at the same time? We can call it emotional regulation. As the name implies, emotional regulation is a psychological state and an individual's ability to regulate their emotions so that they are neither exaggerated nor inhibited, depending on the context in which they appear. This task is not simple and requires self-knowledge in order to recognise and understand our emotional reactions and to modulate them. Modulate would be the correct term, because emotions actually control us more than we control them. You can't just decide to stop feeling something, suddenly stop your heart racing or swap tears for laughter, but you can choose the behaviour with which you react to these emotions and this will define your emotional regulation. So the question arises? Is this reaction good or bad for me? Does it harm myself or others? This is where rationality comes in, so that it leads the reaction to the emotion towards a constructive goal that is appropriate to the context. As defined by Gross 1998ª cit. by Pandey & Choubey, 2010) emotional regulation can be understood as the ability to consciously reduce the influence of a situation that activates strong emotions in a way that is out of tune with the context and personal well-being, by controlling the emotional experience and expression, either through external (interpersonal) or internal (intrapersonal) regulation mechanisms. To illustrate, imagine that a situation has made you very angry, an example of emotional dysregulation would be taking it out on people, being aggressive towards individuals who have nothing to do with the issue. Examples of emotional regulation would be calling a friend to go out and let off steam (external, interpersonal mechanism) or taking a deep breath and listening to relaxing music (internal, intrapersonal mechanism). If the anger stems from an injustice caused against you, the ideal would be to express yourself assertively - that is, directly and clearly without resorting to aggression - in order to guarantee your rights or, when there is no chance of resolution, to know how to leave what is harming you. It should be noted that anger here is not eliminated or suppressed, but involved so that its energy is channelled into a resolution. If emotions are repressed or we simply pretend that nothing exists or bothers us, one way or another these emotions will manifest themselves, either with sudden decontextualised outbursts or they can turn into physical symptoms (Pandey & Choubey, 2010). Migraines, heart disease, autoimmune diseases, many of them are somatisations of unexpressed emotions.

How can emotional regulation be developed?

For those who had a childhood with positive experiences and parents who actively sought to educate and help children understand and express their emotions (identifying, valuing, recognising, naming, understanding their function and meaning, knowing how to react, etc.) emotional regulation will be easier. However, most people didn't grow up in an environment at this level and it will be up to them to develop emotional regulation skills throughout their lives. One way, the most difficult, is by learning throughout experiences in life, after all, maturity comes when we learn not to make the same mistakes and when, with more self-knowledge, we better realise what we want and is good for us and what we want to avoid. But emotional regulation can also be developed and trained:

1) Constantly pay attention to yourself and your body, to what you're feeling, because emotions are very important signs that indicate whether our relationship with something or someone in the environment is going well or badly. How am I breathing, how's my heartbeat? Do I feel pressure in my chest, a lump in my throat, pain in my stomach? Do I feel irritable, restless, anxious, sad? Am I emotional, very happy? It's important to value and embrace each emotion, understanding how they behave and when they appear.

2) When you are feeling an emotion, think about what it is due to, what has happened before or what might happen that is affecting you. You can better understand which contacts and people bring you joy or which relationships, regardless of their nature, end up bringing you suffering. In addition, when we perceive an emotion we must take into account our self-knowledge and also, above all, what we plan to do, act based on our emotions. For example, a person may realise that, in general, when they feel sad, they end up drinking. This is a mistake (if it's the strategy they use most often), because this way they suppress the emotion, not experiencing it and not being able to reflect on what caused the sadness in the first place and on possible ways to change that reality or conflicting situation. By becoming aware of this, when sad, an individual will avoid buying drinks, will try to understand themselves and then, when in a favourable state and context, will be able to go out drinking with friends.

I have a particular question that I coined, which I believe can not only help with self-regulation, but also with the construction and affirmation of one's own identity:

"Am I doing what I want, or wanting what I do?"

This question, before we take action, allows us to reflect on following what is really essential to us, after all, are we doing something impulsively, what we ‘feel like’, what we feel like doing at the moment (having one more drink, finishing that jar of nutella, sending the message we were avoiding, shouting at someone, giving up on projects because something went wrong, among others) or acting in a way that we won't regret, in accordance with what we want for ourselves, congruent with the version of us that we want to be?

This question can also be valuable when we find ourselves using different modes of emotional regulation, whether functional or dysfunctional. I'll talk about them below:

1) The search for strong sensations, namely the maximisation of positive or negative emotions,

2) Inducing and maintaining mood states, such as stimulating positive emotion by listening to upbeat music,

3) Indirect emotional expression (inducing an emotion other than the one you're feeling), such as being sad but trying to distract yourself by watching something comical.

4) Contact with certain emotional memories, such as revisiting an important film, music associated with events, re-reading letters.

5) Rationalisation, i.e. building an argumentative network to justify situations that would otherwise be more impactful, for example, relativising the wrong behaviour that someone dear to you has had towards you so as not to suffer from feelings of rejection or the need to argue/conflict/or distance yourself.

6) Following instincts.

Regarding the first approach, having intense experiences can be very important, both painful experiences (such as allowing oneself to suffer and go through the mourning process after the end of a relationship) and good experiences (when we finally live what we have long dreamed of and awaited). However, the experience of such emotions should occur naturally, without the effort to maximise them, which here could be described as a way of reacting to emotions by engaging in behaviours that amplify them, whether by dramatizing or catastrophizing a situation. In this case, there would be too much emotion and too little reason. Catharsis, which would be the release and experiencing of pent-up emotions, is a positive emotional regulation mechanism associated with well-being and health. However, as pointed out by Pandy & Choubey (2010), experiencing emotions at high intensities, regardless of their valence, is detrimental. It's fine to cry, isolate oneself for a while, and suffer, but adding to that by constantly listening to depressing music is choosing to make things worse.

As for the second approach, it's something we do constantly: playing music to liven up the atmosphere is beneficial and healthy, just as allowing oneself to cry and suffer while remembering a sad moment. Inducing and maintaining a state of sadness or joy for a certain period to be expressed and reflected upon, and thus, after being processed, overcome, is one thing; maximising what one feels is another.

Regarding the third approach, this is absolutely harmful as it is based on suppressing and denying what we are feeling and forcing ourselves into an opposite state. This would be betraying our feelings. Who hasn't wanted to avoid the blow of a breakup and plunged into parties and drinking or some other excess? Without listening to oneself and giving importance to what affects us, the subsequent crash will end up being worse, as the suppressed emotions will be dissociated from the original experiences and will appear in different contexts. For example, by not reacting to defend oneself in a conflict that caused anger, such emotion may frequently arise in many other moments of life, without the person being fully aware of why they end up having exaggerated reactions to aspects that seem insignificant (triggers associated with the original conflictual situation that was not allowed to be emotionally experienced and processed). Also, by not recognising anger towards someone or a situation, one my direct this feeling to the self, confusing it with sadness, selfsabotage ans others of the sort.

The fourth approach is also common. We might listen to a song to remember moments or reread letters and look at photographs. This behaviour can be beneficial or not, depending on the objective. Do you feel the need to revisit moments, rethink? That’s fine. Are you suffering, already feeling bad, and still want to remember situations to feel even worse? Well, in this case, you are harming yourself.

The fifth approach, rationalisation, is highly effective for problem-solving, weighing pros and cons, and gaining a better understanding of certain situations. For example, one person may have reacted poorly to you, for a specific reason, and you understand that and won’t suffer or blame them for it. However, excessive rationalisation distances us from our emotions, preventing us from listening to what our bodies are asking for. Imagine being in an abusive relationship, but to avoid suffering too much and remain devoted, one constantly makes excuses to forgive the person? After all, they acted that way because of x or y... In this case, regardless of the reason, what about the pain it causes us? Does it not matter?

Finally, I’ll touch on instinct, or the sixth sense, which is not mysterious at all. The mind and body work together, and when we experience something, whether good or bad, we create a mental schema that associates the feeling we had with characteristics of the context or the person who caused that sensation. This can be quite clear and evident, for example, disliking green beans because you hated the taste, and thus, when you see something green and similar, you assume you won’t like it or even feel a certain disgust and repulsion. However, many perceptions occur without our conscious awareness because they were absorbed by our brain at a subliminal level of consciousness. This doesn’t mean, though, that they aren’t stored somewhere in our minds. Have you ever been to a place and felt uneasy without understanding why? Or simply taken an instant dislike to someone without a reason? These are your body’s signals indicating that something there is a warning, something you see resembles something from the past that pleased or displeased you. Have you also ignored that little voice, that feeling in your chest, and later realised you should have paid attention to it? That happens too. Here, balance is also key, and before reacting, ask yourself: why don’t I like this person? If you find a sign that indicates danger, it makes sense to distance yourself; if it’s just prejudice, perhaps you could give them a chance, unless, once again, your instinct warns you otherwise.

I’ll conclude here by asking you: In what areas of your lives are you doing what you want, but don’t want what you’re doing? How would you like to act in these situations? Stay alert to yourself. :)

#emotionalregulation #emotions #psychology #feelings #undestandingfeelings #6thsense #selfknowledge #psychotherapy

References:

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Dutta, S., & Kanungo, R. N. (2013). Affect and memory: A reformulation (Vol. 20). Elsevier.

Figueiredo, V. L. S. (2015). A relação entre as preferências musicais e a personalidade, ajustamento emocional e estados de humor em estudantes universitários (Master's thesis, Universidade Lusófona).

Garnefski, N., Kraaij, V. & Etten, M. (2005). Specificity of relations between adolescents’ cognitive emotion regulation strategies and Internalising and Externalising psychopathology. Journal of Adolescence, 28, 619–631. http://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2004.12.009

Greenwood, D. N., & Long, C. R. (2009). Mood-specific media use and emotion regulation: Patterns and individual differences. Personality and individual differences, 46(5-6), 616-621. http://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2009.01.002

Gross, J. J. (2008). Emotion regulation. Handbook of emotions, 3(3), 497-513.

Miranda, D., & Claes, M. (2009). Music listening, coping, peer affiliation and depression in adolescence. Psychology of music, 37(2), 215-233. http://doi.org/10.1177/0305735608097245

Pandey, R., & Choubey, A. K. (2010). Emotion and Health: An overview. SIS Journal of Projective Psychology & Mental Health, 17(2).