Emotions in Parenthood: Becoming a parent
- analuciamarsenise
- Oct 3, 2024
- 9 min read
Mums‘ and Dads’ emotions around parenthood
Much is said about parenthood and what is expected: the myth of unconditional maternal love, the need for authority and the imposition of limits, the reorganisation of the couple's life to take in a new family routine and the needs of the children, among others. However, not much attention is paid to parents' emotions, especially those that are more difficult to accept, as they can end up being misinterpreted as signs of bad parenting.
The transition to parenthood is a phase full of expectations and great emotions, and can be considered one of the most significant moments in a person's life, as major changes occur in terms of their priorities and personality. Parenthood brings with it issues ranging from planning for the arrival of a new child to pondering changes in one's lifestyle, something that can be very stressful. One of these major changes concerns the configuration of the routine and its ordering according to the subject's priorities: if before there was a search for a balance between work and leisure, it now becomes a priority to find a balance between work and family, while also trying to find space for leisure, for the couple and for oneself. In some cases, such changes can be more easily achieved, particularly when the family has socio-economic resources and a social support network so that tasks can be divided and time can be guaranteed to preserve the different areas of importance in personal life, i.e. in addition to work and parenting, time can be set aside for the couple, for entertainment and for oneself. However, in many cases, this optimal balance doesn't happen and, in a culture that prioritises excellence in all areas of life, many people can end up feeling overwhelmed, incapable and even questioning themselves in their commitment to what is important to them. Although there is currently a better balance in the presence of men and women in the labour market and in gender roles around domestic tasks and parenting, gender inequality is still striking, in that women earn around 19.4% less than men for the same jobs in Brazil. This, together with the still prevalent traditional values and ideological constructions around gender, make it more likely that women will affect their work in favour of motherhood or even suffer more psychological consequences, as they may blame themselves or be blamed for spending less time with their children and for delegating some family activities to third parties, such as grandparents, maids, babysitters or others. On the other hand, maintaining a professional life for women is of the utmost importance, both in terms of their financial autonomy and independence, as well as feeling recognised in a wider range of interpersonal relationships.
Another significant change in the lives of parents, at the time of the transition to parenthood, refers to married life, which now receives less time for dedication. Combined with less time for the couple, some men report feeling excluded, having to mourn the loss of their wife's exclusive affection and remaining that way until a new three-way family relationship is formed when the child is no longer so dependent on constant contact with the mother. In addition, the expectations for the new conjugality and for the division of household and work tasks, differently for each member of the couple, may also undergo major changes, and there will have to be open communication, dialogue and respect between the couple in order to achieve a new configuration that is harmonious and satisfactory for both.
All these transformations can bring a certain ambivalence to the transition to parenthood, after all, as we have seen, it will be necessary to answer various questions: What will I do with my career? What about the time I have for myself, my friends and my social life? How will our married life be? Will we have time together? Will we have the energy and disposition to maintain a dynamic life? What will our travelling be like? Who will I leave my children with when I have this need? Will I be a good father/good mother and what does that mean?... Becoming a parent also involves a big question: revisiting one's childhood. This visit is even more complex in that, when the family is not a single-parent one, both parents have to reflect on their own childhood and what they want or don't want to bring to their children's upbringing. In addition to this task, it is crucial that the couple agree on a parenting model to be exercised by both of them, since major dissonances between the parents' practices can end up being very disorganising for the child's development. In this field, reliving one's own childhood and trying to provide a happy and healthy childhood for the child brings out the most varied emotions in the parents.
It is to be expected that when faced with the task of parenthood, parents will be filled with enthusiasm, as well as anxiety and insecurity. After all, being a good parent is something that relates to one's deepest experiences and convictions, as well as, to a large extent, one's judgement of character. What does it mean to be a good parent and why is it so difficult to fit into what we think is ideal? Well, we don't arrive ready, nor can we start out as a clean slate!
The various relationships that an individual has experienced throughout their life are articulated to foster a set of general expectations about others, about themselves and about the world. However, as can be seen in more depth in the topic of attachment styles, the initial relationships and experiences lived in the interaction between a child and their family are some of the most impactful for their way of being (see the article ‘Attachment Styles and Repercussions on Mental Health’ on the blog). In this way, when interacting with others, an individual activates what, from a psychoanalytical perspective, is known as the phenomenon of transference, in which a subject re-actualises, in the here-and-now, experiences lived in the past. Transference, in itself, goes unnoticed by the individual, being an unconscious phenomenon which, with analysis and self-reflection, the individual becomes aware of, allowing a re-appropriation of their own way of being, being able to be more connected to the concrete reality of today. Reflecting on your own childhood is crucial in parenting, as it makes it possible not only to better empathise with your child's emotions and needs, but also to understand a lot about your own emotional reactions to them on certain occasions and even to reflect on the impact of your own personality on your child's development. For example, imagine a situation in which you were very angry with your child, ask yourself, what happened to make you so angry? What made you unable to empathise and accept the child's feelings at that moment? What did they do to you when you acted like that? What might happen to them if they always react like that? Sometimes we may not want to, or even be able to, understand our children's emotions because they remind us of how we felt at the time, which would end up bringing a certain amount of suffering. Unconsciously, we are interacting with our child not because of the individual person they are in the here and now, but because we are reacting to situations that evoke our past. At other times, we may be dissatisfied with old practices of our own parents, but relativise this in order not to deal with the suffering, which means that, not recognising the impact of old practices on ourselves, we reproduce them without awareness. This begs the question: what have they done to you that you don't want to repeat, what do you want to do differently? Or on the other hand, what have they done to you that you would like to do in the same way with your child? It can be extremely difficult to identify practices in your own parental behaviour that you used to blame so much, but recognising and retaliating is always the best solution.
The important thing is not to focus on the behaviour itself, but on the awareness of its meaning and your own commitment to your child's well-being and happiness. After all, there is no such thing as perfect motherhood or fatherhood, or anything like a good mother/father or bad mother/father in absolute terms, but rather, human beings with the difficult and beautiful task of doing their best to bring up happy and healthy children, even though, with a whole background of personal history and emotions, as well as various cultural expectations, it is natural to make mistakes. Another pertinent reflection to make in this quest to be open to the new and to build your ideal as a parent is to question how you respond to your child's emotions: do you try to understand them and help them express themselves more assertively, or do you repress their feelings? Or do you react to your child's suffering in a dramatic way? It's important to question this, because parents must, to some extent, have a contented attitude towards their children, as child psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott put it. Being able to act as a container implies having the ability to witness your children's pains and emotions, understand the reason for these emotions and perhaps even put them into words for them, helping them to find appropriate ways to respond to their emotions and, all this, without being punitive or suffering too much from their pains. It sounds very demanding, after all, what is expected is almost like the posture of a psychotherapist and, in parenting, neutrality is unattainable; however, regardless of the emotion you are feeling or how disturbing a thought may seem to you, what matters is how you choose to act. In the echoes of our past and frustrations, as well as in the different contingencies that cause us to act in a certain way, it's always good to remember, as the philosopher Jean Paul Sartre put it so well: "it doesn't matter what they did to you, but what you do with what they did to you".
Suggestions
Self-reflect on your own childhood and how it might have an impact on your expectations and fears concerning your own children.
Reflect on whether your reactions and ways of being are appropriate responses to your child as they are or whether they are influenced by past personal experiences.
Try to be open, empathetic and seek to resolve conflicts with all family members.
Avoid extremist and dichotomous thoughts (good/bad): ‘We're bad parents because we think we can't take it anymore’ and consider that it's natural to have ambivalent thoughts, which doesn't make you a bad parent.
Avoid channelling the whole focus of your life towards the child or feeling pressured to fulfil certain gender expectations (e.g. the working man and the maternal and domestic woman). Try to reflect on what is important to you and your partner and how your life as a couple and family can be organised so that you both have your needs and projects met.
Invest in self-care to prevent parental exhaustion, try to take time for yourself (even if it's little) and to do things that make you feel good.
There is no ‘right way’ to be a parent or a one-size-fits-all solution to the challenges of parenthood; look for your own way of being a parent, the one that best suits your well-being and that of your children. Look at yourself carefully and praise yourself, identify your qualities.
Identify your negative thoughts and try to assess their veracity, confronting them and deconstructing them when they have no real basis or seem extreme, looking for positive alternative thoughts (e.g. ‘I'm really not good at this!’ to ‘That's not true, we actually have a lot of fun when I tell stories and we play’).
When you receive criticism, particularly associated with aspects of your parenting that may, in particular, activate a certain reactivity by evoking conflicting aspects of your personal life, try not to understand it as a personal attack, but as an opportunity for self-reflection, personal development and as a way of getting to know and connect with your family better.
Looking after a child (or more) can be very stressful, and this stress can become a problem when we find it difficult to cope or lose control. The Order of Portuguese Psychologists offers a Checklist to reflect on your level of parental stress:
Seek help whenever you need it, accept and talk about your emotions and share your experiences openly and honestly with those you trust.
References
Needles, R. (2020). First aid manual for parents and children. Order of Portuguese Psychologists. Ed. Ideias com História.
Barham, D., Joan, E., & Vanalli, A. C. G. (2012). Work and family: theoretical perspectives and current challenges. Revista Psicologia Organizações e Trabalho, 12(1), 47-59.
Bornholdt, E. A., Wagner, A., & Staudt, A. C. P. (2007). The experience of the pregnancy of the first child in the light of the paternal perspective. Psicologia Clínica, 19, 75-92.
Costa, T. (2007). Psychoanalysis with children. Editora Schwarcz-Companhia das Letras.
Eizirik, C. L., & Bassols, A. M. S. (2013). The Human Life Cycle: A Psychodynamic Perspective. Artmed.
Ferreira, V., & Sartre, J. P. (1961). Existentialism is a humanism
Perry, P. (2019). The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did): THE# 1 SUNDAY TIMES BESTSELLER. Penguin UK.
https://eige.europa.eu/gender-equality-index/2020/country/PT
https://www.ordemdospsicologos.pt/ficheiros/documentos/ser_mae_pai_desafios_parentalidade.pdf
https://www.ordemdospsicologos.pt/ficheiros/documentos/checklist_stresse_parental.pdf
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